Feminist Fitness is welcoming pleasure into our present

We spent a day on the beach with the dogs this week which reminded me something I have always enjoyed about having a dog or dog(s) (first there was one, then two, then one, now two..). They are so good at being completely present.

Every day we leave the house Jupiter acts as though he's never been outside before. Each step a thrill, every smell a celebration. It's something I relish to see and savor to experience with him. When I'm feeling particularly lost in my head I try to kind of energetically umbilical cord myself to his experience. He has energy to spare after all, and I get buoyed by the fullness of his joy.

Dogs go where you go and see the same world you see. It's something particularly special about having a dog. They don't wait at home in a tank or a cage or on a windowsill... Dogs walk on your street. They meet your neighbors, they sit on your porch and ride in your car. When I'm stressed, frustrated, down, angry, my dog might be right next to me, basking in late afternoon sun, sniffing a circus of smells through the car window, or happily asleep in my lap.

So often in my life they have brought to my attention the joy of the moment. I have a particularly joy-full series of memories that fortunately was something I would often experience with Pigeon. Each summer in Ithaca these last three years, he would ride with me to my farm CSA pickup. On the way home we drive with the windows open, the flowers I picked (part of the CSA bounty) nestled into Pidge's small-dog booster seat. He'd chomp on the stems and let the wind blow his ears or sometimes just lay against them in the hot July sun with a big tongue-out smile on his face, every so often snuffeling his face into their bouquet. His sinking so deeply into the sensuality of that moment made it so simple for me to drop in too. I could just join him in his easy peace. It was just there, already happening. His experience as true if not truer than the mental one I make in my head.

I think we miss that part of the present is the sensual. Dogs are sensual. The root of the word being - sense. Senses are a dog's whole existence. Somewhere along the line, humans being present, became synonymous with being austere. As though peace is a kind of absence of emotion, not just an absence of anguish. But absence is not peace, it's just less, and calm is not necessarily a down-regulation, it's just not being dis-regulated.

This idea that peace starts with lack means clients tell me they can't meditate because 'they can't stop thinking'. Spa spaces look like drafts for Scandinavian kitchen show rooms. 'Soothing' becomes earth tone color schemes and a distinct lack of flair (ie every lobby ever).

The representation of this utterly peaceful person embodied always looks the same to me. A kind of gamey - white haired older lady who wears linen, eats mung beans but isn't Asian, and still does 'yoga' every day. I'm not sure she really exists but I think a lot of expensive bathing suit cover-ups have been sold in her aspiration.

Not only is this representation of CALM distinctively white - it is - as so much of (all?) Judeo-Christian white culture is - hugely reductive of the depth of human experience. We can only be calm if we are QUIET, STILL, MONK-LIKE in our unassuming habits, GENTLE in our unobtrusive appearance...SPARING in our tastes.

What does this say for Color - a kind of visual egotism? Flourish - self fulfilling chaos? Curve - the aberration of order? And all the things that can fall under those categories .. color - non whiteness, flourish - queerness, or embodied sexuality, like a woman who isn't for anyone else's consumption but her own, curve - again, so often non-whiteness, fatness, sex...

Soon I will be in the south of France. I will see fields purple with Lavender, drink pink glasses of Rose, look at the bright blue Mediterranean. It sounds amazing.. because it is! And because we so often deny ourselves the delicious luxury of our senses unless in the magical land called 'vacation' where we are allowed to 'let loose'. This fear, as though dropping into our animals bodies will cause all chaos to emerge, just blocks us from the very peace we seek! What if dropping into our animal bodies actually honored the sensual beings we are?

Have you ever had a partner (friend, sibling) give you a belly rub? Every morning I have what's called 'getting up time' (very unique name I know) which is the special time when me and the pups are all sleepily waking up. And I say ' is it getting up time??' and they start to wiggle and yawn and roll onto their backs bc in their worlds, waking up means first things first, belly rubs all around. I give everyone belly rubs; big and little ones, and generally wiggle around with them, sometimes ending up at the foot of the bed spooning Jupe for a bit - you would too, he's like a perfectly warm water bottle covered in the finest of fur.

My boyfriend is already sitting in the living room with coffee at this point, so this is a private wake-up ritual between the pups and me. However he often walks in hearing my voice and their tumbling excitement. Early on we would muse about about how amazing it must feel to be small enough, even Jupiter is small enough, that someone can pretty much rub your WHOLE body all at once as soon as you wake up. What an all encompassing experience that must be! How electrifying! What joy! What pleasure! Can you imagine the nervous system stimulation??

So of course we tried it. Guess what? It has the same effect on people. If Jupiter starts snuffeling and wiggling on his back with glee and Elektra immediately turns into let-me-bite-your-fingers kookoo puppy and Pidge was so thrilled he'd start to maniacally lick my arms, it turns adult humans into giggling puddles or sort of yelling 'OOh-Aaah' silly adult children in a not sexual but not quite un-sexual way, like when you get the spiky ball just right and let it change your whole mood, but also laughing and with your bare belly out.

Meditation is not having no thoughts. It's letting them pass without further judgement or commentary. There can be no expectation we will stop being ourselves. The peace is that we stop trying to be anything else but ourselves, that's the thoughts passing without judgement part. (I haven't mastered it either but it's a good thing to keep trying) Peaceful spaces are often gloriously colorful... anywhere south of the equator... sunsets, fields of flowers, a garden..a beautifully painted room. Since when did curve become the aberration of order when Mr. Enlightenment himself is depicted as a big ol' chub-o! Do you know why Buddha's belly is shown as being so big? Because it symbolizes his contentment and happiness. He's always laughing or smiling in those images. Asceticism has a way of killing the joke.

Lately I've been eating potato chips on the beach. There's something about sand and chips that for me go together. I also feel like I've been gaining weight. I also feel like I don't care. It's been a warm and sensual and large feeling, in an expansive not weighing way. Every time I've thought I maybe should stop I just notice how much I'm enjoying the whole experience and see no reason to deprive myself of that. I'm almost 41 years old and I have a memory of laying on the couch with terrible cramps in college and eating almost an entire bag of Reese's peanut butter eggs while reading a Cosmo magazine. It was glorious. I remember it so clearly. I'm so glad I had that experience. Maybe I did it more than once but for some reason the weight of the bag of pb eggs on my cramping belly while I flipped glossy pages is forever embedded in my nervous system as pure delight. I never regretted it.

Will I eat chips on the beach forever? No. Will all my sensual-present moments be food based? No. I've been loving biking because it creates such a present experience of the environment. I love walking the dogs to share in their joy. And I think we deny ourselves too often because white linen lady has been our wellness inspo.

Feel your body. Lay on a bouquet and chomp the stems. Get your belly rubbed. Wriggle on your back in the sand. The more you drop into that body the more you can trust its boundaries. I won't eat chips until I'm so large I strain to walk. I'll eat chips till I don't want to anymore. You won't suddenly become a wanton person wandering the streets tearing at your hair, leaving all civilization behind. You'll just wear clothes that make you feel beautiful or go for walks with your shoes off. Fearing that saying yes to your body might result in never being able to say no again is just a deep deep distrust of yourself. Looking for peace by saying no all the time is not always discipline, sometimes it's just sad. Try saying yes to your pleasures, explore them, they only get dark when they aren't actually pleasures but distractions. True sensuality is full bodied presence. It's you right where you are, like a 60 lb Pitbull watching the beach revolve around them, ocean sounds reverberating in your big ears, perfectly at ease, right where you want to be.